when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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