I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
