Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
