you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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