i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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