now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
