i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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