i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
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I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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