I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
