Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
