I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you're hired as official boob wrangler
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
