I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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