The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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