I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
