I'm jealous of your bromance
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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