saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
