I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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