Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
