his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
