Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
