I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
