I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
