someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
