barbara walters just said penis...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
