Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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