Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
