if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
