maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
