I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
