Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
