I'm so fucking centered right now
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
