I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
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