I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
