I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
