Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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