Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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