I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
well you can't waste a boner
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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