I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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