You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
