Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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