My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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