Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
