I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
