are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
