I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
there is another microwave in the elevator.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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