If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
