I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
