Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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