this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
