Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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