dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
