I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
