Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
