i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
