I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
