Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
