u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
