I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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