Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
