Ketchup is God's man juice
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
