My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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